I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
