His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
