i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
