Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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