So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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