I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
