If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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