i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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