my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
