Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Randomize
