I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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