Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
