He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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