Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
