i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
