Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
