i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
