Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
