If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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