i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
