you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
