if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
