I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
