The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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