First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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