your thong is hanging out like whoa
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
