apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
