Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
