Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
