I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
