he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
