so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
