Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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