I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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