you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
