you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
