Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
