Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
