We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
