You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
