I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
