Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
