never play flip cup with pint glasses
are you so shy because you have an std?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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