I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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