Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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