med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
