i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
