I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
