she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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