Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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