Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Randomize
